What exactly prompted me to explain this often-encountered dilemma of The Life of Dee? Absolutely nothing, probably. Maybe. I don’t know. All I was doing was sitting in front of my glaring computer monitor eating an ungodly amount of cheap Mexican candy, when that little bug called ‘INSPIRATION’ smacked right into the screen on my computer. So, after wiping it off and thoroughly Windex-ing my screen, I decided to give a little explanation of the top reasons I never get anything done (until the last minute). I will start by giving an example of recent procrastination revolving around writing a paper on JFK’s foreign policy (YAY, HISTORY!). Because we all know you really want to know what I do with my life.
5:00pm: Decide to work on paper. Pull up rough draft, read over.
5:01pm: Read over paper again. Think. Type words.
5:05pm: Start iTunes, put on random music (Currently listening to: Phish).
5:06pm: Look for snacks. If any found, eat snacks. (Note: It’s a rare occasion that I don’t have snacks, but usually if I don’t I’ll make a quick run to 7-11 for some at this point.)
5:10pm: Type more, rewrite previous sentences, glare at them for a minute, then decide to rewrite the whole thing.
5:30pm: First paragraph rewritten, decide to reward myself with GIANT CUP OF BIG RED.
(Notice at this point I’m still not online. Just wait, it gets worse.)
5:31pm: Mess with keys on keyboard. Spill soda on floor, panic, soak it up with pants.
5:32pm: Write first two sentences of second paragraph. Forget which president JFK was, decide to look it up on Wikipedia. (He was 35th, by the way.)
5:33pm: Search “dancing Soviets” on Google, watch hilarious video of USSR soldiers dancing. Laugh, giggle, cause Big Red to shoot out my nose. (Hey! I’m watching “reds” and drinking Big Red! Coincidence, or CONSPIRACY?!)
5:38pm: Retweet link to dancing Soviets on Twitter, giggle.
5:40pm: Go to StumbleUpon. Now begins the Armageddon of my productivity.
6:40pm: Retweet “HILARIOUS” website from Stumble. More internet.
7:40pm: Stand up, walk around, try to restore blood flow to lower limbs. Watch stupid commercials on YouTube.
8:20pm: Finally go to bathroom after waiting for hours.
8:25pm: Type another sentence.
8:35pm: Watch the commercial of John Lydon selling butter.
8:40pm: Check Facebook, delete 40 new messages, become fan of group “LOLOLOLOL I JUST ATE A STICK OF BUTTER”
9:00pm: Watch Foamy The Squirrel cartoons, giggle.
9:30pm: Order pizza, groan for the next 35 minutes that it’s “NOT THAT HARD TO MAKE A GODDAMN PIZZA, WHY THE FUCK THEY GOTTA TAKE FOREVER TO GET HERE WHILE MAH BELLY IS EATIN’ ITSELF”.
9:35pm: Make macaroni and cheese, eat it, then remember I ordered pizza.
10:30pm: Pass out on the couch from eating too much pizza.
11:00pm: Drag my massive pizza-inflated buttocks off the couch, grumble about how “I really need to get this paper done.”
11:10pm: Watch Dr. Tran videos.
11:45pm: Write another sentence. Get more snacks; not for eating, but for surrounding myself with in order to make my SNACKFORT.
12:00am: Encyclopedia Dramatica. Oh God, I’ve reverted back to acting like I did in high school.
12:45am: Watch FLCL.
1:45am: Start drawing comic about a man with no legs, then realize it looks like an episode of The Oblongs. Scribble out comic, draw Michael Phelps eating crayons instead.
2:00am: Go to the FC-Bayern site, deciding that I’m “finally going to buy that jersey”.
2:10am: Decide to buy 5-pound box of Haribo frogs instead. Giggle manically as I imagine the UPS man delivering a huge box of gummi frogs.
2:30am: Eat SNACKFORT. Rebuild it with snack wrappers as SNACK ISLAND.
2:35am: HUGO STIGLITZ.
2:36am: Pass out on computer keyboard.
9:00am: Wake up, frantically manage to get a shower, write the rest of the paper, and not run into any walls in the process.
10:30am: Rush to class, vowing that I will write the paper sooner next time.
As you can see, I am A HUGE PROCRASTINATOR. But it’s not all my fault. No, I’m not “ADHD” or whatnot, but I do like to be distracted from things I’m not interested in doing. Really, it’s nothing against JFK, but I dreaded doing that paper all semester.
Thus I come to the conclusion that I will NOT be productive if allowed anywhere near my favourite distractions, which include:
1. THE INTERNET
High-five, Internet!
The internet is a terrible, terrible place. Former U.S. president George W. Bush once described it as a “series of tubes”, and to be honest, anything described like that would terrify me. Thus why I never take the underground/subway/U-Bahn. But in all seriousness, the internet it probably the number one reason nothing gets done around here, whether it be writing an essay on JFK’s foreign policy or cleaning my couch (which, believe me, is quite a project). Though I like to think I've grown as a person, I oftentimes find myself giggling like a maniac over the massive amount of crap on the interwebs.
2. SNACKS
What exactly is this?
No, not THE Snacks. This is referring to ACTUAL snackfoods you eat; not a person.
Yes, snacking is another thing that prevents me from getting anything done. Or rather, the pursuit of snacks. I can never seem to find THE RIGHT SNACK when I want it. For instance, right now I really want Funyuns, but I have none.
And that’s really it. Right now, at least. Yeah.
And to further my immaturity...
YOU JUST LOST THE GAME.
In other news, I'M ALMOST DONE WITH CLASSES. For the time being, at least. I can't even begin to express how happy I am. I think I might cry.
This not only means I have more time to SLEEP (one of my favourite hobbies) but also that I have more time to DRAW. Expect new artworkstuff and comics by sometime in summer.
It won't all be fun and games, though, because this summer I am MOVING. Yay, yay, bla bla bla and all that. Expect long absences from the internet due to travelling and such.
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