Reasons Why I Never Get Anything Done

(Hey, before you read, make sure you go to http://zudacomics.com/node/1839 and vote for ELDRITCH!)

Well, really, the title explains itself.
What exactly prompted me to explain this often-encountered dilemma of The Life of Dee? Absolutely nothing, probably. Maybe. I don’t know. All I was doing was sitting in front of my glaring computer monitor eating an ungodly amount of cheap Mexican candy, when that little bug called ‘INSPIRATION’ smacked right into the screen on my computer. So, after wiping it off and thoroughly Windex-ing my screen, I decided to give a little explanation of the top reasons I never get anything done (until the last minute). I will start by giving an example of recent procrastination revolving around writing a paper on JFK’s foreign policy (YAY, HISTORY!). Because we all know you really want to know what I do with my life.

5:00pm: Decide to work on paper. Pull up rough draft, read over.
5:01pm: Read over paper again. Think. Type words.
5:05pm: Start iTunes, put on random music (Currently listening to: Phish).
5:06pm: Look for snacks. If any found, eat snacks. (Note: It’s a rare occasion that I don’t have snacks, but usually if I don’t I’ll make a quick run to 7-11 for some at this point.)
5:10pm: Type more, rewrite previous sentences, glare at them for a minute, then decide to rewrite the whole thing.
5:30pm: First paragraph rewritten, decide to reward myself with GIANT CUP OF BIG RED.
(Notice at this point I’m still not online. Just wait, it gets worse.)
5:31pm: Mess with keys on keyboard. Spill soda on floor, panic, soak it up with pants.
5:32pm: Write first two sentences of second paragraph. Forget which president JFK was, decide to look it up on Wikipedia. (He was 35th, by the way.)
5:33pm: Search “dancing Soviets” on Google, watch hilarious video of USSR soldiers dancing. Laugh, giggle, cause Big Red to shoot out my nose. (Hey! I’m watching “reds” and drinking Big Red! Coincidence, or CONSPIRACY?!)
5:38pm: Retweet link to dancing Soviets on Twitter, giggle.
5:40pm: Go to StumbleUpon. Now begins the Armageddon of my productivity.
6:40pm: Retweet “HILARIOUS” website from Stumble. More internet.
7:40pm: Stand up, walk around, try to restore blood flow to lower limbs. Watch stupid commercials on YouTube.
8:20pm: Finally go to bathroom after waiting for hours.
8:25pm: Type another sentence.
8:35pm: Watch the commercial of John Lydon selling butter.
8:40pm: Check Facebook, delete 40 new messages, become fan of group “LOLOLOLOL I JUST ATE A STICK OF BUTTER”
9:00pm: Watch Foamy The Squirrel cartoons, giggle.
9:30pm: Order pizza, groan for the next 35 minutes that it’s “NOT THAT HARD TO MAKE A GODDAMN PIZZA, WHY THE FUCK THEY GOTTA TAKE FOREVER TO GET HERE WHILE MAH BELLY IS EATIN’ ITSELF”.
9:35pm: Make macaroni and cheese, eat it, then remember I ordered pizza.
10:30pm: Pass out on the couch from eating too much pizza.
11:00pm: Drag my massive pizza-inflated buttocks off the couch, grumble about how “I really need to get this paper done.”
11:10pm: Watch Dr. Tran videos.
11:45pm: Write another sentence. Get more snacks; not for eating, but for surrounding myself with in order to make my SNACKFORT.
12:00am: Encyclopedia Dramatica. Oh God, I’ve reverted back to acting like I did in high school.
12:45am: Watch FLCL.
1:45am: Start drawing comic about a man with no legs, then realize it looks like an episode of The Oblongs. Scribble out comic, draw Michael Phelps eating crayons instead.
2:00am: Go to the FC-Bayern site, deciding that I’m “finally going to buy that jersey”.
2:10am: Decide to buy 5-pound box of Haribo frogs instead. Giggle manically as I imagine the UPS man delivering a huge box of gummi frogs.
2:30am: Eat SNACKFORT. Rebuild it with snack wrappers as SNACK ISLAND.
2:35am: HUGO STIGLITZ.
2:36am: Pass out on computer keyboard.
9:00am: Wake up, frantically manage to get a shower, write the rest of the paper, and not run into any walls in the process.
10:30am: Rush to class, vowing that I will write the paper sooner next time.

As you can see, I am A HUGE PROCRASTINATOR. But it’s not all my fault. No, I’m not “ADHD” or whatnot, but I do like to be distracted from things I’m not interested in doing. Really, it’s nothing against JFK, but I dreaded doing that paper all semester.
Thus I come to the conclusion that I will NOT be productive if allowed anywhere near my favourite distractions, which include:

1. THE INTERNET

High-five, Internet!

The internet is a terrible, terrible place. Former U.S. president George W. Bush once described it as a “series of tubes”, and to be honest, anything described like that would terrify me. Thus why I never take the underground/subway/U-Bahn. But in all seriousness, the internet it probably the number one reason nothing gets done around here, whether it be writing an essay on JFK’s foreign policy or cleaning my couch (which, believe me, is quite a project). Though I like to think I've grown as a person, I oftentimes find myself giggling like a maniac over the massive amount of crap on the interwebs.

2. SNACKS

What exactly is this?

No, not THE Snacks. This is referring to ACTUAL snackfoods you eat; not a person.
Yes, snacking is another thing that prevents me from getting anything done. Or rather, the pursuit of snacks. I can never seem to find THE RIGHT SNACK when I want it. For instance, right now I really want Funyuns, but I have none.


And that’s really it. Right now, at least. Yeah.
And to further my immaturity...

YOU JUST LOST THE GAME.


In other news, I'M ALMOST DONE WITH CLASSES. For the time being, at least. I can't even begin to express how happy I am. I think I might cry.
This not only means I have more time to SLEEP (one of my favourite hobbies) but also that I have more time to DRAW. Expect new artworkstuff and comics by sometime in summer.

It won't all be fun and games, though, because this summer I am MOVING. Yay, yay, bla bla bla and all that. Expect long absences from the internet due to travelling and such.

Creepylurkygirl and Noodles

'Sup? Yes, this is the real Dee, the living, breathing Dee, here to discuss proof of my continued existence despite being away from the internets for some long period of time. In truth, I was never gone, simply hiding, lurking in the shadows, as is my nature. See, I am one of the last remaining beings from the ancient culture once known as CREEPY LURKY KID.

Lurkygirl loves bread and jam!

I intended to postpone my return to the immaterial world until I had something actually WORTHWHILE to post about, however it appears this did not suit the internet monster and, after having it bite my leg off above the knee, I am here to post about some RANDOM SHIT THAT INTERESTS ME.

And, because I am hungry, I have decided to dedicate this post to FOOD.

Fact: Did you know that in WWI & WWII they used REAL carrier pigeons to transport messages sometimes? Not fake pigeons, but REAL ones. The word "REAL" is in all-caps to emphasize the REAL-ness.

Anywho, yes, I am still alive and drawing horrendously deformed blobbythings that serve the sole purpose of amusing me as I doodle them at 3am-ish after watching really bad TV.

And speaking of hideous blobbythings, I have found a new possible favourite show that I feel the need to promote on my seldom-read blog. It is so called "ADVENTURE TIME WITH FINN AND JAKE" and it is also written in all-caps to emphazise its important place in my life. Not because it's all that great of a show, necessarily, but because of the art style.

Adventure Time...with Abe Lincoln!

It's hard for me not to love the idea of something with such a quirky style; quirky being code for "not bulbous and bulgy in the way most cartoon-styles I've seen on TV are". Don't get me wrong, it's still a cartoon, but it has a signature style about it that makes me giggle. So, even though I don't get Cartoon Network in my area, I will be attending private viewings of this show at Cinema du YouTube.

In other news, I am making noodles. Not just any noodles, but käsespätzle, the food that has kept me alive for the past week while I was slugging around on Spring Break. So, I will leave you with an image of what I am eating, as you sit there with your bag of Doritos, cursing the fact that your mother never taught you to cook.

The food of CHAMPIONS.

The Sweater Song

I bought a really warm sweater today, and immediatly upon leaving the store I purchased it in I became depressed, because I realised that I probably won't have a chance to wear it for a while. It's so fucking hot here. It's October, for the love of God! This is MY MONTH. Well no, actually, NOVEMBER is my month, but October is usually a good month too. But no, instead of a reasonable temperature/humidity I am given this sticky, sweaty...schlocky.

Yes, I purchased the month of November, making it MY MONTH. I was going to re-name it "SOOPERMONTH" or "TURKEYFEST" or something to do with cranberry sauce, but I decided "NOVEMBER" fits quite nicely indeed.
I am actually looking forward to the next month more than this one. Yes, Halloween is "the best day of the year" according to my friends, but I'm really not into it this year. I personally think it's because I can never get into a holiday when it's hot outside. The heat saps my secret festivity reserves and turns me into a lazy mofo.

AND SPEAKING OF LAZY MOFOS....
I am listening to Nirvana right now. That really has absolutely nothing to do with lazy mofos, but I'm sure you could make a correlation somewhere.

I lucked out with my choice of courses for this semester, because I have NO MIDTERMS in any of my classes. So while my peers are running around trying to study for the first time in months, I get to sit upon a pile of thrones (not just a throne, a whole PILE of 'em) and watch in amusement.

Candy and PAIN

Hang on, this is gonna be a big one:



Okay, so it's been a while since I've updated this thing, yeah? By 'a while' I mean 'longer than a week'. And yes, anything longer than a week is a long time. Yes, because I said so.



I'm tempted to just lock myself in my house for the next week so I can actually do some work for ME for once. But I won't do this, no, because that wouldn't appease anyone, save MYSELF of course. I hate this. I am bawling like a baby now because I really want to finish a few projects I started back some-odd weeks ago, but instead I'm writing essays on 'WHAT I HOPE TO GAIN FROM THIS UNIVERSITY'. I hope to gain a giant, steel-toed boot, which I will promptly shove up the posterior of whomever devised such a stupid writing topic. I really want to watch Leprechaun, too.

It's not all bad in the world of all-you-can-eat cafeterias and thirty pound Calc. II books, though. I've finally managed to convince my peers in the Tuesday/Thursday BS class I have (which, by the way, is the one where the ridiculous writing topic came up) that I am a rabid, antisocial young lady who does not want to join in their conversations about whether or not they should go to ULTRA tomorrow night. Leave me to my note-taking and doodling. I am a nerd. And ULTRA is the worst club on the face of the planet, anyways.

I'm really not antisocial, no, not at all. I just haven't got the will or the patience to hold up a conversation with most people, seeing as most peoples' conversations are incredibly stupid, in my opinion.

Have you ever heard a portion of someone's conversation as they walked by and just thought to yourself, "What the fuck?"And afterwards, didn't you want to go shove your head in a blender? Exactly.



In other nooz, I am once again spamming up my Twitter page with links to ridiculously stupid/funny Youtube videos. I'm thinking of setting aside a special day every week to do this from now on, so everyone can get their fill of poop all at once.
I have a strange obsession with finding these types of videos. It is an all-consuming obsession. If I had the ability to sleep like a normal person, I would have lost it after the first hundred-or-so videos. But I don't sleep anyways, so no problem there! Tally-ho, into the land of candy and PAIN!
Only An'W would get that, so I'm not even going to bother explaining myself.

It's really interesting writing this...thing, seeing as the first half (more like 1/4th) was typed about a week before this portion was. Man was I pissy last week. Pissy pissy pissy. But now I'm HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY, because I have found the portal to the land of Candy and PAIN. But it's nice pain, not very hurty at all. I have no idea what I'm talking about. Let me end this paragraph right here.

I..was going to say something else. But I don't remember. I'll update this post later. For now, I'm out like a pregnant woman's belly-button.

And I don't even have a cat!

Welcome, internet, to DEE'S DAY IN REVIEW.

Seeing as 'today' started about an hour ago, let's see what I've got so far.

First off, we have the lovely 'IS YOUR CAT PLOTTING TO KILL YOU' quizzola at the top of the page. If you don't have a cat, just answer the questions as they pertain to someone else's cat, i.e., your neighbour, friend, etc.

The site that hosts this quiz is HeyQuiz; for those of you into the whole quiz-thing, you may want to mosey on over there.

Now, nextly (Is that a word? Probably not.) we have lovely importantcies (also not a word) in the name of all that is sacred. Or maybe just in the name of this can of Beefaroni sitting next to me.

According to my own knowledge, and the fountain of wisdom that is Wikipedia, today (meaning '1 SEPT' not '31 AUG') is the 35th anniversary of the birth of the lovely Mr. Scolex and his decadent thought processes. Now, as some of you may know, I'm not particularly fond of ANY holiday, including birthdays. However, seeing as I had a bit of free time last week, I doodled up a wee portrait of an alien, named Randolph, in a box, wrapped up all nice and purdy for High Inquisitor Vasquez and his Jolly Minions.

Randolph can be found here and somewhere on my deviantFart account. As with all of my art, you steal it, you suffer the wrath of the rabid shrews that live behind my wardrobe.

And yes, Jhonen is lovely. In a demented, sick sort of way. But isn't that the best kind of lovely?

Sarris is quite lovely as well.

AND NOW...

I'VE GOT A BIG BAG OF CRABS HERE

That is all.

Now, as with all good things, this journal too must come to an end. Too. Tootoo.

This isn't me speaking, it's the shrews.

Pleasant daynightsleepthing, folks. I'll be up at dawn's asscrack, heading off to make sandwiches for all the crazy little old ladies in this part of the state.

Trust me; we have a lot of little old ladies.

Feedbacks

So, I'm sitting here watching this really dumpy movie on Syfy, when I happen to glance at the TV and see that one of the chicks is sitting on the beach reading Harry Potter. And that sends me into a giggling fit.

But seriously, folks. Seriously. Seriously seriously seriously.

I'm working on a few things right now, one of which is a design for Infectious (which can be found here) and I would be one super slap-happy monkey if you would head on over there and give me some feedback. Or just look at it until your brain explodes out of your skull or something.
Seeing as I do most of my painting with the body fluids of people who have exploded while looking at my stuff, I DO advise this. That stuff ain't cheap, ya know?

ALSO: I JUST WATCHED MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS. That is all.

:D More later. Or maybe not.

Stanky College Kids

*I have left my doodles in at the bottom of this post. :)

I start today with a statement for you all:

DEODORANT: IT'S A WAY OF LIFE.

Now, my explanation as to WHY this is so important that I just HAD to share it with you, INTERNET PEOPLE.

Have you ever been walking down a hallway, twiddling your thumbs and whistling a merry tune (maybe showtunes) when suddenly you were assaulted with a stench like that of a fat man's grave left open in the summer heat? Or maybe just something else really stinky? Probably so. This was the case at my school today.

My immediate thought was, "Oh my God, someone must've left their Taco Bell under a chair and stepped on it with a dead rat and some rotten eggs." I quickly glanced around, surveying the area, looking for what could be causing the stench. I looked to my left, and no such luck. I looked to my right, and there was a really tiny squirrel outside the window, but nothing that could be causing the stink. Then I looked in front of me, and saw nothing but a girl with really heavy-looking sandals on.

Look! This sandal has a shoe glued to the bottom of it!

As I walked on, the stench grew stronger until I was swimming in an ocean of odour from no apparent source. Then a thought hit me, and to test this newfound theory, I walked a little brisker until I was right behind the sandal-girl.

Bingo.

What had I unveiled? A classic case of nasty college B.O., or as I prefer, 'Stanky Girl With No Sense of Personal Hygeine'.

IN SHORT, THE GIRL I WAS WALKING BEHIND ON THE WAY TO CLASS SMELLED LIKE SOMETHING HAD DIED IN HER HAIR WEEKS AGO AND SHE HADN'T FOUND OUT YET.

That's one of my biggest peeves: I hatehatehatehatehatex1000 bad hygeine. I don't care if you're a 'poor, starving college student' or not. Do you live in a box behind Best Buy? Do you have no arms or legs to wash your hair with? Exactly. Unless you're a hobo, or some horribly deformed amputee (or a combination of the two) with no way to wash yourself, you have no excuse. Trust me: Buying that bar of soap might not give you the immediate satisfaction that a super-sized box of Reeses Cups would, but it'll work out much better in the long run. Unless you plan on rubbing the peanut butter cups all over yourself; in that case, knock yourself out.

My krew rides wit' da banana creme, yo.

On another note, I have rugburn on my elbow from riding a mechanical bull today.

Mm...toast.

My tribute to the King of Pop.

What happened at last year's Christmas party.